Find Yourself

During a recent coaching session, a client—on the verge of burnout—said something that stopped me in my tracks:

“I have been under a lot of stress but I can’t stop now because my ability to handle stress is what makes me successful and makes me look strong.”

It’s a belief I see all the time. Many people wear their stress levels like a badge of honor, believing that the more they endure, the more valuable they are. This mindset is deeply ingrained in our culture, where exhaustion is seen as evidence of dedication and where pushing limits is equated with success.

But is this really strength? Or is it a dangerous illusion? Let’s break this down and, more importantly, explore a healthier way to achieve success—one that doesn’t require burning yourself out in the process.

The Illusion of Strength: Why Enduring Stress Feels Like an Achievement

In the words of my client above, what I see is not a discussion or a question about stress, but rather a question about identity! Many high achievers define themselves by their ability to take on more than others can handle. This belief can be formed in various ways, but the most common ones which I can share with you here for your own introspection are:

1. Cultural Conditioning: We grow up hearing phrases like “No pain, no gain” and “Push through the pain”.
2. Fear of Falling Behind: If everyone else is overworking, then you resting or taking it slow, can feel like losing.
3. Self-Worth Tied to Productivity: Many people feel valuable only when they are working at full capacity.

Now realizing that my client was not really struggling to deal with stress from the amount of things they were handling, I asked them this follow-up question to try and identify the belief underneath it:

Me: “What would happen if you stopped pushing your limits for a moment? What would that say about you?”

Client: “That I’m not working hard enough. That I’m weak!” (Their response to my question was immediate!)

This is the trap. We make the mistake of pushing ourselves beyond our limits constantly as a show of our strength. We consider making sacrifices in the pursuit of success as a necessity. We confuse our pain tolerance with progress. We assume that handling stress means we are winning when, in reality, we may just be surviving.

And unfortunately, most of us today are even struggling to do even that, survive. Stress has become one of the most common concern amongst employers when it comes to employee well-being. Stress is ruining lives, making people sick and stress has gone so far as to be known as the “silent-killer” of our generation. But like I demonstrated now taking my client as example, maybe it is not your stress, but your relationship with stress that needs to be re-examined so that you can lead a “stress-free” life.

Here are some techniques that I use with my clients which you may find useful to evaluate your own relationship with stress:

Step 1: Identify Your Personal Stress Triggers

You begin by reminding yourself that the things that stress you might not affect another person in the same way. Stress is personal. That’s why it’s so important to understand your own unique triggers. Here are some of the most common stressors, and I encourage you to take some time to reflect on which of these apply to you:

• Social Comparisons: Do you often find yourself comparing your progress to others? Maybe you scroll through social media and feel like everyone else is succeeding faster, while you’re stuck. This can create a sense of inadequacy and amplify stress.
• Unrealistic Expectations: Are you constantly trying to meet other people’s expectations, whether it’s your boss, family, or friends? You might feel like you’re always compromising your own needs in order to please others.
• Overcommitting: Do you find yourself saying “yes” to everything, even when you know you’re stretched thin? The fear of letting people down or missing opportunities can push us into taking on too much.
• Perfectionism: Do you feel like everything needs to be perfect, or else it’s not worth doing? Perfectionism can trap you in an endless cycle of stress, never feeling good enough, and constantly striving for unattainable standards.

This first step is all about being honest with yourself and recognizing what exactly is pushing you beyond your limits.

Step 2: Changing Your Relationship with Stress

Once we’ve identified the stress triggers that are unique to you, it’s time to shift the way you respond to them. Here are four powerful strategies I use with my clients to help them do just that:

1. Shift Your Focus From Stress to Solutions: When stress hits, it’s easy to get caught in a loop of overthinking and worry. Instead of letting stress consume your thoughts, focus on what’s in your control and take small, actionable steps.
2. Challenge Limiting Beliefs: When thoughts like “I have to do it all myself” or “If I’m not working hard, I’m failing” come up, remind yourself that these are tied to the beliefs you have discovered in Step 1. So rather than giving in to these thoughts, remind yourself that these are not your own beliefs and by giving in, you are falling into a trap laid down by someone else.
3. Set Boundaries with Confidence: Setting boundaries is key to preventing yourself from falling prey to these limiting beliefs. It is also an excellent way to prevent yourself from burnout if you are constantly feeling stressed. Many of us feel guilty about saying “no” or setting limits, especially when it involves work or family. But remember, boundaries aren’t just about protecting your time, they’re about protecting your energy.
4. Prioritize Rest and Self-Care: Changing your relationship with stress doesn’t come from constantly fighting stress — it comes from nourishing your mind, body, and spirit. Prioritizing rest, sleep, and activities that restore your energy is not a luxury; it’s a necessity!

Changing your relationship with stress isn’t just about clearing your to-do list or avoiding to add more to it. And it is not about avoiding stress altogether either, because let’s face it, stress is part of life. It is about becoming more aware of what’s happening inside your mind and how you can better manage your response toward stress.

I encourage you to take some time today to reflect on your stress triggers. Write them down, analyze where they come from, and then begin experimenting with the techniques above. Over time, you’ll start to notice a shift. Stress will still show up, but you’ll be better equipped to handle it, protect your energy, and keep your mental resilience strong.

Remember, you don’t have to keep pushing yourself beyond your limits to succeed. Success is about managing your energy, finding balance, and responding to stress in a way that supports your well-being! And that’s the true path to a more fulfilling, sustainable life.

---

Need help identifying your unique stress triggers or developing mental resilience? As your coach, I’m here to guide you through this process and help you reclaim control over your life. Reach out to learn more about how we can work together!